Welcome to Bigger Picture Moments, a weekly writing event sponsored by Bigger Picture Blogs. We welcome you to join us in finding the Bigger Picture amidst the hectic, everyday craziness in your week.
Head over to Melissa's to join in, share your link and spread the love by viewing and commenting on other Bigger Picture Moments. Next week Maegan will be hosting, and we hope you'll join us again!
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Today marks another installment of The Bigger Picture.
Most times when I come to this space, I know what I'm going to write. I've thought through sentences and structure in my head, visualized it, and then I come and dump everything onto a blank screen, filling the emptiness that the courser leaves as it pulses.
Not today. I have the bigger picture in my head, but the pieces haven't filled themselves in.
My head is filled with fragments. About sobriety. About not drinking. About the stories and words that have gotten me this far. About how far I have to go.
But I'm focusing on the bigger picture. Not one that includes five years from now, or even a week from now.
The bigger picture is that I'm not drinking.
Today.
And I haven't for quite a few yesterdays.
I'm feeling scattered and tired. Weary and at that place where I know I need to do something else in order to keep moving forward with this. But I'm not sure what.
I'm bored with my sobriety.
I know it's a fragile thing. Not to be taken for granted or forgotten. When that happens I get cocky, and forget that it's a real thing. This disease, this addiction. And I pretend that it doesn't matter. But it does.
The other weekend, in the big city, I went into it with that cocky attitude. I thought I wouldn't be affected by the drinking and the parties and the drunkenness. But I was.
It was a wake up call and a good reminder. Luckily I was there with a bunch of other sober women, my sober sisters who know and understand. We didn't need words, just a look, and someone understood.
My alcoholism is always with me, whether I chose to see it each moment or not. It's there.
And the choice is mine to make every single day, multiple times a day. The choice not to drink, and the choice to make myself a priority over the addiction that lies in even the lightest hours of the day.
It's dark, but I am not.
I'm here. Not drinking. And bringing a little light to the darkness that addiction afflicts on so many. Talking about it. Hoping to help someone.
It's still scary, months later, to look back and know where I was, and even where I still am. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But the thing that helps me is knowing that this sober community holds each other up, cheers each other on, celebrates and aches with each other.
For that I'm thankful.
For that I can see the bigger picture today. I'm here. Still sober.
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